Counting the inches…

I taught a Larkin poem last week and it got me thinking…

As Bad as a Mile
Watching the shied core
Striking the basket, skidding across the floor,
Shows less and less of luck, and more and more

Of failure spreading back up the arm
Earlier and earlier, the unraised hand calm,
The apple unbitten in the palm.

Philip Larkin

I do not necessarily agree with Larkin’s sentiment. Is life futile and any attempt at developing a sense of faith and belief ultimately flawed? Hmm… Still, as I thought about human behaviour, certain aspects started to ring true.
I recalled my university degree which so utterly disappointed me. I was so desperate to gain a First but due to circumstances entirely within my control, I ended up with a 2:1. Rather than accepting this with dignified grace, I proceeded to tell everyone that would listen that I was 2% shy of a First. It is only with painful hindsight that it is obvious that when one berates life’s near misses so candidly they look like a wanker.
An analogy that strikes me is this: if a bus is missed by 30 seconds or 10 minutes, it doesn’t really matter. Ultimately the bum is not on the threadbare seat with the suspicious brown stain on it. What does this enlightened knowledge provide? An excuse to fail badly? As if one was necessary. Again, this mentality is put into practice by friends and acquaintances. I think it’s called “falling off the wagon”. What is the point of one cigarette, glass of wine or chocolate? When succumbing to temptation, do it bloody justice. We don’t seem to like half measures in our failures as much as we loathe them in our successes.
Another human trait that strikes me within this poem is the ridiculous way in which we try to control or bargain with fate and destiny. The concept that we try to decide life’s difficult decisions by making the basket/traffic light/etc in time. Everyone has their personal decision making mechanism and at points we truly believe that if we succeed in the inane target we have set, our ultimate desires will come to fruition. Why do we do this? Is it an attempt to play God in our own lives? Are we aware of how inconsequential our little battle is? Or do we manage to convince ourselves? I also like the way that we change the goal posts and allow ourselves the opportunity to cheat fate or play it at its own game. If we don’t achieve our aim (let’s use one of mine for clarity: getting the rubbish in the bin) the first time around, then we make it best of three or even five if our aim is particularly dire.
So failure and control seem to be the key concepts here. Therefore we arrive back at the question: can we truly control whether we fail? I think that perhaps failure is subjective and past failures change and evolve with time. Over five years on, I have had “closure” on the whole 2% debacle and certainly do not feel the need to engineer conversations around it. Not that my degree qualification comes up so much anymore. It seems that measuring ourselves by past achievements or failures can be the most destructive practice of all. What we should be concentrating on is eating the apple in the here and now.